It's been so long since I wrote again. I've ideas and thought here and there but I just couldn't sit down and put them into words. But I'm here today,the time shows 6.53 am... I've been awake since 9 pm something last night but that's okay, let's talk about being alone, it may be messy, it may be depressing but deal with it, like how I dealt with loneliness for the past few hours.
I thought about it when I was bathing because I couldn't sleep, decided to wash up and move towards the school library cause it's opened 24 hours for now, I already know I won't be able to sleep a wink tonight anyways. Given any day else I would have just stayed in my dorm maybe play the mini games on my phone or continue watching whatever series I am binge watching at the moment, but not today.
You see it had been a long time since I felt this way, I don't even remember the last time I felt so, emptiness, loneliness, a big empty void in my heart, my chest that felt suffocating, somehow. I felt like I urgently need human contact, or any contact, or else I'd starting to hurt myself, I felt, suddenly, all the possibilities I can hurt myself and feel pain and I'm not scared, I was terrified how un-horrifying those thoughts were to me, therefore I quickly prepared and brought myself outside, to somewhere in the public somehow.
I haven't had close friends for past few years, being alone was very normal for me, not needing constant human contact, people to talk to... I am perfectly fine on my own. As what I would say, human relationships are very extra, it's a burden somehow, a commitment. Something that ties you down through emotions, influencing your feelings and actions, isn't that troublesome? I used to think of minimizing the relationships I get committed in my life, the less people I need to care about the easier and carefree my life is. Less people can influence my emotions, less people can actually hurt me.
But its not an easy thing to do, I have to say there's a lot of people in my life now, that I treasure dearly, as the people increases so does my fear. The fear of losing them, in any way possible...
When I was alone I thought of my fear, my insecurities, how alone I was and the feeling in me suddenly unfolds, eating me up, I felt suffocated.
I took the lift, to the highest floor in my school, opened the window, I looked out and I started crying, myself. No I didn't want to jump I just needed a space to let it all out...
I've a lot of friends, I guess, but how many I can actually talk to for real, telling them about my deepest thoughts. When I bring up the slightest piece of thought, I see their reaction, hear their response, I decided against continuing, I know they won't be able to handle nor accept. I just wanted to share, to tell, to let go. But I am turned down. disagreed and lectured. No they're not wrong, they're just not the person.
So, that time I just thought of how alone I was, how alone I am. Do you feel so too? Hi, let's be alone together, in a way it's a pact, we're not too alone after all.